


this middle ground is shaking

by bluesey



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Post-Episode: s03e08-09 Girl Meets Ski Lodge, since this is basically stemming off from s3 rucas is canon in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-02-01 22:27:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12714087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesey/pseuds/bluesey
Summary: Maya wants to know what it's like to feel like her own person again, wants to be able to stop constantly apologizing for existing.(Or, Lucas and Maya, after ski lodge.)





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> i had started writing this over a year ago after the ski lodge episode of hell came out, so this fic is canon up until that point - which basically means you have to ignore everything that happened after the fact. except the part where maya's struggling to find her identity, which is a prevalent theme in this fic.

The first thing she thinks is _fuck, Riley's gonna be so pissed._

Her heels hang from curled fingers, occasionally bumping against her side whenever she walks. She grimaces with each step she takes, feeling the gravel embed itself to the soles of her feet, and it's cold out, but she's too tired to put on her leather jacket that's hanging from the crook of her elbow.

It's not the fact that it's just past two a.m and she's walking home alone in the dark, which she knows is a careless move, a reckless move. Riley's going to be pissed about the fact that she was at a college party at one of Josh's friend's dorm, that she's leaving with smudged eyeliner and faded red lipstick like she's kissed too many boys, that her shirt smells like alcohol and the laundry detergent her mother uses.

But she'll have this smile on her face, a little knowing, and fond all the same. A smile that says  _Heavens to Betsy, Maya, will you never learn?_

She doesn’t really think she can handle that smile right now.

Her mind plays back the night like a broken recording, all static and snow. She got the text from Josh at midnight when everyone was already asleep, and her heart beat a slow, steady rhythm as she swiped on her favorite mascara and drew a mean, twisted smile on her face. She's forgotten what it's like to be soft. She's two shots of whiskey and inhaling second hand cigarette smoke even though she hates the taste. She's the ‘who’s this? who’s this?’ echoed in the hollow of her own mind as she looks at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, not recognizing the face staring back. She's the "it's you, this has always been you" and it sounds a lot like Riley's voice.

Maya wants to know what it's like to feel like her own person again, wants to be able to stop constantly apologizing for existing.

So she goes to his apartment, knows he keeps his window unlocked for her, and lies on his floor until he notices she's there. He's got a toothbrush in his mouth, hair dripping at the ends, and pajama pants low on his hips when he walks in. She almost wants to laugh. She laughs a lot these days. It kind of helps to keep her from crying.

"What are you doing still up?" she asks, sitting up against the foot of his bed, arms crossed behind her head. "It's a little late for you, don't you think, cowboy? Three in the morning on a school night? Is this you taking a ride on the wild side?"

He pauses his motions, the bristles of his toothbrush getting caught on his lower lip. "I could ask you the same question," he says with a lift of his eyebrow, voice muffled.

“You know me.” Maya shrugs, rolls her eyes to his stucco ceiling, his fan whirring and clicking above them. She smiles when she looks back at him and ignores his grimace. Sometimes she forgets that she doesn't have to be mean and harsh with him. That she can put away her shield of hostility for a moment and slump against his headboard and she won't have to worry about pretenses. "Always up for an adventure."

Lucas opens his mouth like he's going to argue, but then snaps it shut and shakes his head. He puts up one finger and she gives him a passive nod along with an eye roll, so he runs back to his bathroom. She can hear him spitting and rinsing, faintly, wiping his hands dry on a towel. She counts to fifteen before he comes back inside and sits down on the floor beside her with a sigh, scrubbing a hand over his face. He looks tired.

"So what happened tonight?" he asks as he rests his elbows on bent knees, folds his hands together in between his legs. He isn't looking at her and she's gotten used to that by now. Ever since the ski lodge trip they took freshman year of high school he's gotten better at looking at Riley the way he used to look at her. She's gotten better at pretending it doesn't hurt.

Maya doesn't tell him that she hooked up with one of Josh's friends in the back seat of his car, that he smelled like weed and tasted like Blue Moon, that she lied and told him that she was two years older than she actually was so he would kiss her, that she had to close her eyes and play pretend the entire time.

That she's sick of other people telling her what she wants.

But she tells him about the party, about Josh, and how he held her hand when he was sure no one was looking, because it was the first week out of the six that they can.

"Did you like it?" Lucas asks.

She doesn't know if she can answer that truthfully so she just says, “Better than holding my own hand, right?”

He looks at her then, and she wishes he hadn't just so she wouldn't have to see the pity in his eyes. She hates that more than anything. The fidget of his fingers catches her attention so she looks at his hands instead.

Maya’s always liked his hands, finds that it's such a shame she never got to hold them when she thought she'd liked him.

“Can I try something?” she asks then.

His hands stop, but her eyes don't move away from them. “As long as I get to keep all of my limbs.”

She rolls her eyes and, slowly, to give him time to shove her away if he doesn't want her to, she slides her fingers through his, grips his hand tightly. She's seen Riley do this with Farkle a thousand times, with a confidence and ease that Maya hadn't known possible, and she was almost expecting it to be the same way with them. But Lucas’s hand is so much bigger than hers and she’s trying so hard to ignore the twisting in her stomach, and the stutter in her heart beat.

He coughs but doesn't let go. And he should've already, she thinks in the back of her head, he should've let go.

With a sickening thought, she realizes that it feels different than when Josh held her hand, and that alone makes her swipe her hand back and cradle it to her chest like she's been burned. It feels different in a scary way, in a way that makes the pulse in her throat jump, in a way that she shouldn't be feeling because he’s with Riley and she has Josh, kind of, maybe, a little bit.

And she doesn't like Lucas, she never liked Lucas. That's the most important part here.

Maya clears her throat, adjusts her shirt and folds her legs underneath her. Lucas is staring at the wall in front of them, a pinch at the corner of his mouth that she refuses to read into. “Tell me – tell me about how you and Riley are doing.”

She watches his eyelashes flutter briefly for a moment as he casts his eyes down to the floor, as he picks at the fuzz on his carpet, and then he looks back up at her, with a tight-lipped smile stretching on his face. And he tells her.

They like horse-back riding together, he says. Likes the way it makes her feel like a princess, and that he can give that to her. They go to the zoo every weekend, fill in cross word puzzles on his couch, have study dates after school at _Topanga’s_ where he'd buy her a blueberry muffin and a cappuccino.

Maya tunes him out at one point, her cheeks burning from smiling too hard, eyes red and stinging from refusing to blink. She doesn't remember saying good night or climbing out his window, but before she realized it she's in her own bed and the tightening in her stomach still hasn't gone away.


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya's daily routine has become something she's had to get used to the past year, ever since Riley and Lucas have started dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u to those who held me accountable. this would not be up without you, truly

Maya's daily routine has become something she's had to get used to the past year, ever since Riley and Lucas have started dating.

She doesn't walk to school with Riley anymore because Lucas picks her up in his fancy new jeep. She doesn't eat lunch with her friends anymore because she's chosen to stay late in art class to work on her portfolio so she doesn't have to see Riley’s hand rubbing mindless circles on Lucas’s thigh, or see Lucas twirling a piece of her hair between his fingers. She gets into trouble during fifth period, disrupting the class by back talking Mrs. Bryce so she would give her detention, just because she doesn’t want to have to watch Riley and Lucas whisper to each other the entire hour, passing notes back and forth like they're still in the fourth grade.

And no one really questions it because she's just being Maya. This is what Maya does, apparently.

It's funny how she's learning things about herself that she’s never known before.

She’s in the art classroom during lunch one afternoon, searching for respite in the quiet to finish her own project that she's started a few days ago. There's piles of blank canvases sitting next to her, unopened watercolor pallets and brand new brushes, as back up just in case she messes up. She's been having trouble lately, conveying her art in a way that would make people understand.

Maya’s filling in the numbers on a Dali-inspired melting clock she's painted, adding some color to its bed of purple flowers, when the door opens and closes with a soft click. She doesn't look up but Maya knows it's not Lucas because she's pretty much memorized the sound of his heavy footfalls by now, and it's not Riley because she doesn't smell that overwhelmingly sweet scent of her lavender shampoo and her vanilla perfume.

Someone slides a lunch tray toward her and slumps into the stool next to her, their own tray dropping in front of them. “You forgot to eat again, sugar.”

Maya glances up to see Zay staring at her, resigned and a little exasperated, as he stabs a fork into his own salad. He crunches obnoxiously next to her as she looks back down at her painting before setting her brush down.

She slides the tray back to him with her pinky. “Not hungry. Kinda busy.”

“You been busy your whole life,” he says and shoves it back. “Eat your damn food.”

She gives him a glare that he decidedly ignores. She knows he won't give up; his quiet determination is something Maya’s come to admire and resent since the time she's known him. With a sigh, she picks up the apple and sinks her teeth into it, raising her eyebrows at him until he gives her a satisfied grin.

“Good. Now keep going.”

“What are you even doing here, Zay?” she asks, wiping the corner of her mouth with the sleeve of her smock. She's used to being alone when she's painting, so she expects herself to feel like he's encroaching in her space by being here. She's surprised when she feels quite the opposite.

“Figured you could use some company,” he tells her, sipping on his juice box. She steals it when he sets it down, obnoxiously slurping the grape juice for a little too long that he grabs it back from her with a mildly annoyed suck of his teeth. “Don't make me regret this decision. I don't have to be nice, you know.”

“Never asked you to be,” she responds. None of the food he brought looks appealing, but she's never been one to complain about anything free. She picks at the chicken nuggets, tearing the breading apart and dipping it into some ketchup before popping it into her mouth.

“Yeah, but if you're the _real_ – or whatever –  Maya again,” he lifts his eyebrows at her, like he wants her to refute this statement, “there's gotta be someone to balance out your meanness with.”

“Sorry, but position’s filled. That's why we have Riley,” she replies. “She's the nice one; you're gonna have to look for another job, bubba.”

Zay sighs. “It doesn't have to be one or the other. You _both_ can be nice. You both _are_ nice."

“Mm,” she says, “this fruit cup is surprisingly good today. None of that usual slime on the honeydew, you know what I mean? Like, the fruit piss? Must be Dolores in the kitchen this week.”

“What's the real reason you're hiding out in here, Maya?” he asks her, resting his elbow on the table next to her painting, his chin in the palm of his hand. He says it lightly, conversationally, but it makes something vicious crawl up her chest. “And don't give me that bullshit about needing time to finish your paintings.”

“But that's the truth,” she answers. “Sorry you can't accept that.”

“You're a real pain in my ass, you know that? Here I am, trying to figure out the inner workings of Maya Hart’s a little too fucked up brain, and you're giving me a hard time. How do you expect me to get into a good psych program in college? You really trying to prevent me from going to Harvard?”

“Think of it as me preparing you for future patients,” she says as she dips the brush into a cup of murky brown water, watching the paint diffuse and swirl around slowly, until the water darkens, turns almost black. “A person this fucked up isn't gonna let you in so easily.”

“Don't be dramatic.” He eyes her painting as he drums his fingers on the table. “The hands on the clock. Those birthday candles?”

Maya follows his line of sight, curls her hand around the brush so tightly she's sure it would've snapped in half if she didn't force herself to ease up. “Yeah.”

“Who’re you giving this painting to?” he asks.

“Just someone.”

“Hmm,” he murmurs absently. It scares her a little. Like he's figured out something about her that was supposed to stay hidden and locked away in a safe somewhere. But he doesn't say anything more; just picks a torn up piece of chicken from her tray and pops it into his mouth, jumping off the stool as soon as the bell rings to signal the end of lunch. He gives her a bow before opening the door. “See you around, nugget. Don't follow the white rabbit down the rabbit hole.”

She rolls her eyes at his theatrics, but it feels a little bit easier to breathe when she covers her painting with a tarp, and shuts off the lights.

*

Josh meets her at the park near her apartment when it's dark. He says it's easier this way, so they can still look at the stars. She likes to tell herself that this is romantic, that this is dangerous and adventurous, everything she wants in a relationship. Everything that makes her Maya.

But when he holds her hand, it feels like dead weight. When he kisses her cheek, she wipes it away when he isn't looking.  

It's been almost four weeks since they started holding hands this year. They've only got two left to go. She doesn't think about the fact that she's been counting down the days until this is over, doesn't think about the fact that she feels a little bit relieved.

“How're your classes this semester?” she asks him. They're sitting on the edge of the fountain, and she ignores the cold water seeping into her jeans. His hand is loose in hers, his thumb rubbing over her knuckles. He's beautiful in the moonlight, like Riley is, like all of the Matthews are. She thinks she loves him. She wants to love him. It'll be so easy to love him.

“They're good, yeah,” he answers. He isn't looking at her, though, his eyes discreetly darting around the park, like he's got something to hide. And it's her, she knows this. “Passed Intro to Psych. Piece of cake. And college algebra was okay, I guess. Never really been a math person, but you know that.”

She didn't, actually.

“Meet any cute girls?”

He turns to look at her, a crooked grin loose on his mouth. “I don't have to tell you that college girls are cute. You've seen them.”

That's not exactly what she wanted him to say, but she's always been good at hiding her disappointment. “Right.” She squeezes his hand briefly. “So, anyway. You took astronomy last semester, right? What's that constellation over there?”

“Don't remember,” Josh answers in a mutter, squinting up at the night sky. “It looks like it could be – Andromeda, I think?”

It's Hercules. He should've known that. She asked him the same question last night, and she'd told him and he nodded like he'd understood. She thinks of the flash cards she made for him of all the constellations to look over before his midterm, sitting somewhere untouched on his desk.

He's always the one that decides when they should leave, so it's around two when he lets go of her hand and says he has to get back because he's got a chemistry test to study for. She gives him a killer watt smile and lets him kiss her on the cheek before she's watching him walk away from her with his hands stuffed deep in his pockets.

Maya goes straight to Lucas’s apartment after, climbs through his window with practiced grace, and flops face-down on his bed. He's lying in bed over the covers but he hadn't been sleeping. She sees a crossword puzzle on his lap.

“How was Josh?” he asks.

Her voice is muffled by his pillow. “You don't really care to know.”

“You're right,” he says and sits up, crossing his legs. “But you obviously need to talk about it.”

Maya scowls at him. “I'm not talking about Josh with you.” She pauses briefly. “How was Riley?”

He gives her a flat look. “You don't really care to know.”

She flips over on her back, folding her arms behind her head and sighs. “All Riley ever wants to talk about is you. No offense or anything, but I'm tired of it. You guys are fucking boring.”

“Wha – “

“No offense.”

“Um - _offense_.”

“I'm just saying,” she replies, lifting up a shoulder in a shrug. “I've had enough. I mean, really, how many times can you take the girl to the library?”

“As many times as I damn well please.”

Maya laughs. “Jesus. I can just imagine your extravagant destination wedding: the library where you went to in the seventh grade, or a barn. Take your pick. Which one holds more sentimental value.”

“If it's at a barn, you'd just make fun of me the whole time. So I vote library,” he answers. “Although you'd make fun of me for that too, so I'd have to think about it. And who said anything about getting _married_?”

“Doesn't matter either way. I don't even know if I'd show up to that embarrassment anyway.” It's dark in his room, but she can hear rustling as he turns his head to face her.

“Yes, you would,” he says with a finality that makes her grit her teeth. She hates that about him. That he knows her so well when she still seems to be struggling. “Maybe not for me, but for Riley you would.”

She doesn't say anything for a while as she tries to erase the image of Riley and Lucas standing together at the alter while she's by the sidelines watching on. Josh would be there, probably, but not with her. Because Riley would want a wedding in the fall, and she can't have him then, it's not the right time. “Maybe you're right. But it doesn't mean I like it.”

Maya knows that he's smiling so she punches him in the arm and grumbles something graphic.

It happens a lot more often: Maya going to Lucas’s right after seeing Josh. They never talk about her and Josh, or him and Riley, not anymore, not after that first time. Sometimes he'd listen to her stories about her day while lying on his floor as he watches her from the foot of his bed with his head tucked in the crook of his elbows. Listens to her stories about getting caught doing something inappropriate in class, or about hanging out with her old friends Carla and Renee, who are always bright-eyed and curious about how it is to be with an _older guy_ , although she makes sure to leave that bit to herself. And he'd listen attentively, because of course he does.

One night, when he could barely keep his eyes open, he told her he misses the other Maya, the one from before, who wasn't so reckless all the time, who didn't constantly get into trouble, who learned that it was okay to hope for things sometimes. But if he can't bring her back, if no one can, if she really believes that this is who she's supposed to be, then he's glad he gets the Maya he likes, like this, right now. At three in the morning when he's half-asleep.

And she doesn't understand, because she's always been like this, hasn’t she? It's who she is, the one who breaks whatever she touches. And the girl she'd been in middle school, the one who'd hoped for good things to happen – that wasn't _Maya_. That was just some alternate, naïve version of her. She’d be a fool to think otherwise.

(Lucas never talks about himself though, about what's going on in his own life, not really. She doesn't come to talk about him, because she's the old Maya again, so she's selfish and indulgent and doesn't care about anybody else, doesn't care about consequences. She's the old Maya again, so she's lonely, and he's always been weak. He’s always been there.)

*

“What would you do,” Riley starts, folding her arms over her stomach, “if I had to move to another state? Or another country?”

They're lying on her bed but everything is upside down, all the blood rushing to Maya’s head. Riley put a pillow down on the floor as a cushion, so the two of them have been lounging like that for quite some time now, every once in a while reaching over to grab a cookie from the plate Topanga brought in for them.

“It's good for the brain,” Riley had told her mother in all seriousness when she questioned what they were doing. “Less stimulation going on that could distract you.”

Topanga raised her eyebrows skeptically and glanced over at Maya, who just shrugged, unbothered, and said, “It's fun. I'm seeing how long I can stay like this before I go blind.”

Maya slides her eyes to Riley then. “Isn't this the type of question discussed at the bay window?”

“This is only hypothetical. What would you do if we moved?”

“I would move with you,” she answers automatically, even though, logically, she knew that would be pretty much impossible.

“Really? You would leave your mom? Shawn?”

Maya stutters. “Well – no. They'd come with. Is that okay? You have enough room for us?”

Riley offers her a smile. “Of course, peaches, there's always gonna be room for you.”

“But why are you asking this?”

“Because – I don’t know. Maybe it's a thing that could happen in the future, you know? Moving away from home.”

It comes as a surprise to Maya that'd she even be thinking about this kind of stuff.

“I'm trying to figure out if Lucas would come with me, or if we'd do long-distance. Or maybe he's the one that's going to have to move – would _I_ go with him? You remember Texas, don't you, Maya? Do you think I'd fit in okay? How many hats do I have to buy? Those cowboy boots looked good on me, didn't they?”

“Sure they did. You'd fit in just fine, Riles,” Maya says. “Lucas would take good care of you.”

Riley smiles fondly, clutching her clasped hands to her chest. “Gosh, Maya, you’re right, he totally would. Lucas is such a good boyfriend. Like, two days ago, he took me to this planetarium and we talked for _hours_ under the solar system. It was so _romantic_. You should've been there."

She suddenly feels sick, dizzy. The blood finally got to her head, she thinks, so she sits up on Riley’s bed and chugs down the glass of water on her bedside table before she pukes on her pretty floral duvet.

“You okay?” Riley asks, still lying there with her head on the floor.

“Yeah. Fine. Just started thinking about Ranger Rick in that ugly Texas get up and almost threw up.”

Riley laughs. She and Lucas are getting married again in her head so Maya closes her eyes and counts to ten like her mother taught her to. Pictures her face on Riley’s instead. But she takes a little bit longer to switch out Lucas for Josh, and she blames the lapse in judgment on the lack of blood flow.

*

When Maya’s done with her painting, she wraps it up all pretty and gives it to Josh. He's excited when he opens it, tells her that even though he doesn't understand it that it's good, that he's going to hang it up as soon as he gets home.

It felt nice, his smile directed at her, this time in the sunlight. He gave her a one-armed hug, tucking her painting underneath his other one, and that was nice too, despite the edge of the canvas digging into her sternum.

She tells him she wants to do something with him, maybe ride around on his motorcycle across town, go to the arcade next to the 24 hour Thai restaurant near his place, like they do sometimes when he skips his afternoon class to pick her up after the last bell. But he gets a text from someone as she's talking, and he replies to it quickly, way quicker than any of her texts, and tells her that he's so sorry but he has plans already. He's going somewhere with his frat brothers and he'd invite her if he could, he would.

Maya says she gets it. That the fifteen minutes he gives her out of his crazy busy college life is fine, she doesn't need much else. He kisses her forehead and promises to call when he gets home.

But she stays with Riley all day, with Lucas all night, and her phone never rings.

*

Maya gets in trouble for pulling the fire alarm the next morning. She only feels bad when Riley sits next to her in detention, with Mr. Matthews lecturing Maya on following the rules and Riley on keeping her in check like they’re in the sixth grade again. She slides down in her chair, the picture of nonchalance, letting his disappointment at her regression travel through one ear and out the other because she’s trying so hard not to care.

Riley still defends her because _come on, Dad,_ _it’s just Maya being Maya._ She thinks that may be the worst part.

Lucas is waiting outside with Zay when the hour is up, leaning against the wall with their football gear at their feet. She knows he wants to ask what happened, if she’s okay, but he keeps his mouth shut as he eyes her and lets Riley speak for her.

Riley chalks it up to Maya being angry as usual, and she’s right, kind of. But not for the reasons they may think.

When she gets home, she throws the old scrapbook she had caught her mother quietly flipping through the night before in the dumpster, her father’s face smiling up at her. She's not even a little bit sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> skull emoji.


	3. iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They don't talk much, or anything much, during the day time when they're with their friends. It doesn't seem fair to her if they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally longer, but i decided to split it up into two sections because it worked better that way i think so the second part should be uploaded either tomorrow or sunday! thank u again to everyone who has held me accountable

Last year, Riley decided that every first Friday night of the month should be movie night at her place, so that's where they are now. Lucas is sitting at one end of the couch with Riley to his right, a bowl of popcorn on her lap as she leans her head on a pillow close to his shoulder. Maya sits next to her and can't help but notice how Lucas keeps his hands folded securely between his thighs.

Zay kicks Farkle out of the spot next to Maya when he walks in and slumps down beside her, giving her a bright smile and a friendly slap on her knee. Which means that Farkle has to sit on the arm of the couch, only moving to the floor when Smackle comes and they set up blankets and pillows as a cushion.  

Maya had texted Josh to see if he wanted to come over too, and he'd told her that he'd drop by if he had the time. She spends half the movie glancing at the door, feeling personally annoyed that it remained closed no matter how long and how hard she stared into it. Sometimes, she would catch Lucas’s eyes, and, before all this, she would have stuck her tongue out at him or made a stupid face to get him to laugh, but now she just glances away as quickly as possible.

They don't talk much, or anything much, during the day time when they're with their friends. It doesn't seem fair to her if they did. He should be focusing on making Riley happy, that's it. They don't have any business being – anything. Whatever.

“Hey.” She glances to her right as Zay pokes her in the side. “You're gonna miss the entire thing waiting for him. You know he's not gonna show.”

“Yeah,” she replies quietly, rubbing her palms over her thighs. “Yeah, I know that.”

“So, excuse my French, but why the fuck are you doing this to yourself.”

Maya doesn't know what to say so she glances at Lucas, who seems to be entirely too focused on the movie, over Riley’s head. But there's a tick in his jaw so she knows that he's not.

The simplest answer she can give is that she thinks this is the best that she's ever gonna get.

“If you'd asked me, I would come in a heartbeat, because that's what you deserve. Nothing less. You know that, right?”

Maya doesn't know if she agrees with that but she appreciates the sentiment. She gives him a smile and bumps his shoulder with hers. “Thanks, sugar.”

“Oh, no. Nope. You can't do that; that's my thing. Get your own thing.”

She laughs, quietly, mindful of Riley’s burning glare at the side of her head. “Jesus, okay, it's like you think you have the monopoly over cute pet names. Have you not even met me and Riley?” She nudges Riley’s side with her elbow and ignores her grumbling.

He only lifts an eyebrow at her, waits.

“Fine, whatever. I'll stick with  _hey, you,"_  she manages to tack on a heavy Brooklyn accent in just those two words.“Cute, right?”

Before he can reply, Farkle turns his head around to shush them, a finger to his mouth. Maya just reaches forward to ruffle his hair with her fingers, laughing at the disgruntled expression on his face.

“You're missing the good part, Maya, _listen,"_ Riley finally interjects, “Julia Roberts is just about to tell Hugh Grant that she's just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Isn't it so _romantic?"_

“Next week, how about we watch a movie about superheroes?” Smackle asks from the floor, wiping her salt-coated fingers on a napkin so she can adjust her glasses.

Zay huffs, slightly put off. “You got something against two people falling in love? Do you also have something against puppies and happiness?”

“No. Just heteronormativity.”

“That's fair. If you really wanna get into this, maybe we should talk about the over-sexualization of the female superheroes and how these movies cater primarily to the male gaze. Also, Joss Whedon can suck my—“

“Guys, _please,_  I know this is important to discuss, but can we  _please_ just finish watching the movie and dissect it's disservice to third-wave feminism _after_?”

“Good idea, Riley,” Maya agrees. “I'm sure you've already made pie charts and printed out essay prompts for us.”

Riley grins cheekily at her as she turns up the volume on the television. Before she can remember not to, Maya meets Lucas’s eyes once again to share a fondly exasperated look at Riley’s expense. It doesn't last very long because Riley decides to finally be brave and grab one of his hands in her own to clasp them together on her lap, so Maya decides it's best not to look at him ever again throughout the entire night.

It works, for the most part. She mostly spends her time with Farkle and Smackle on the couch after the movie while the others clean up the mess they've made, listening as they talk about some robotics club they're planning to start in school in the next couple of weeks. It’s difficult to pay attention, mostly because she isn't interested in the subject matter, but also because she hears his laughter in the kitchen, and Riley’s voice, and she wants to know what was so funny. She misses being the one making him laugh like that. Or whatever.

At one point, Maya’s had enough of Farkle and Smackle and their boring, science-related debate that she wants absolutely no part of – which she tells them as much once she jumps up from her seat on the couch.

“Sorry, shock treatments sound way more fun than listening to you guys talk about quantum leap for the rest of the night.”

“It's called quantum physics, Maya,” Farkle corrects her with a sigh. “Two completely different things.”

“I think you missed the part where I don't care.”

She makes her way to the bathroom, focusing all her energy on going in and out, not giving into the temptation to glance slightly to her left to see if he's still in the kitchen.

Which, in hindsight, maybe she should have because the door opens just as she's about to reach for the knob, and Lucas comes out of the bathroom. She stumbles back immediately, her stomach in her throat.

They're at a stalemate, which sort of perfectly encapsulates what they are to each other ever since this whole thing started. He’s still white-knuckling the knob from the inside, the tension clear in the set of his shoulders, and his eyes are frozen on her. But she isn't looking at him; instead opted out on staring at the framed pictures hanging on the wall, all of Riley, some with Auggie and their parents, and all that happiness emanating from her face even through those pictures reminds Maya of the severity of the situation. She doesn't want to ruin that. She wants this entire house filled with pictures of a smiling, happy Riley.

So she doesn't say anything to him, ignores the way he looks as if he has a some kind of confession dancing at the edge of his tongue, too dangerous for her to consider, and brushes by him to get inside. He only moves away once she cleared her throat, and she tries so hard not to think of her arm touching his, or how she's suddenly glad that she wore a long-sleeved shirt so he couldn't feel the goosebumps on her arms like some kind of a betrayal.

She sees him walking back to Riley through the crack of the door as she closes it.

Maya doesn't go to his apartment that night. Or the night after that or the night after that. It doesn't feel right – really because it _isn't_ , and she hates herself a little for realizing that so late. She may have lost all hope and became her again, but she refuses to be that kind of person to Riley. Plus, she doesn't think he'll notice anyway – they can hardly even be considered friends anymore, right?

She convinces herself that he'd only let her in those many nights because he knows that she doesn't really have anyone else. But as soon as she thinks it, she sees the flaws in that argument. Because she  _could_ _have_. She could have gone to anyone else really, except maybe Riley. There’s Farkle, and Zay, and probably even Smackle. But she chose Lucas. And that's the problem, isn’t it?

So she doesn't go back, and everything should have been how it was before. She isn't surprised when it's not.

***

Maya hasn't seen him at school for a week. Not because she's been actively avoiding him, although if that was brought up in a court of law and she denied it she’d probably be prosecuted for lying under oath, but because she'd been home taking care of Katy after she'd fallen sick for a few days.

She didn't tell anyone but Riley that she would be missing class, just so she could relay that information to her teachers, but she really didn't expect the concerned faces of her friends when she got back.

“All Riley said was that you had to take care of some stuff,” Farkle tells her, “but she wouldn't tell us what. It was all very cryptic.”

“There were a couple theories being thrown around,” Zay contributes and ticks each one of them off with his fingers. “Drug deal gone wrong. Estranged father returns. Murdered by therapist.”

Maya rolls her eyes and slams her locker shut, feeling hunger settle deep in her stomach. She'd been ignoring it all day but it always come back with a vengeance. “All false, but thanks for keeping my name alive. I was worried my rebellious teen reputation would be tainted once I got back.”

“So what happened?” Farkle asks, eager, both boys hot on her heels as they walk to the cafeteria. “Why were you gone for an entire week? Riley said we weren't allowed to come over, not even her.”

“Sorry to ruin your fantasies, boys,” she says, “but my mom was just sick and since Shawn’s away I had to stay home to take care of her.”

Zay clicks his tongue in mild disappointment. “Man. I wanted some juicy, edge-of-your-seat thriller about how you stole some kid’s motorcycle and took a spontaneous trip to New Mexico to sell cocaine or something. Not some feel-good family moment on the Hallmark channel.”

Maya gives him a flat look as she pushes open the double doors.

“All the same, tell your mother I hope she is making a well and speedy recovery,” he redeems.

“Your concern is touching.”

That's when she sees Lucas, tray in his hands as he steps out of line to find an empty table. There's Riley at the corner of her eye, smile bright as she waves her arms in the air to grab Lucas’s attention, except by that point Lucas has already stopped walking to stare at Maya in quiet disbelief, blinking rapidly, like he can't quite believe she's here. She doesn't register that Riley’s put her arms down by then, a slight frown on her face as she looks from Lucas to whatever has effectively dragged his gaze away from her, her frown deepening once she sees that it's Maya.

The interaction didn't take longer than three seconds at most, the world already buzzing around them once again as she hurried her steps to slide into the seat next to Riley, but it still felt too long to Maya. Like the earth stopped mid-orbit as soon as they looked at each other.

He sits across from her, and she refuses to think about the empty seat on the other side of Riley that he should have filled because it's none of her business. Zay sits there instead and steals Riley’s attention for a few moments while Maya glances up briefly to see that Lucas already has his eyes on her, staring at a spot somewhere on her cheek because they've been bad at really looking at each other lately. She doesn't want to notice that he looks unkempt and haggard, like he hasn't been sleeping much, the corner of his mouth pulled down slightly. But she can't not help noticing it. She is always noticing him.  

“Hey, Maya, where's your food?” Farkle asks as he opens the lunch bag that his father made for him, a ham and cheese sandwich carefully wrapped in Saran Wrap with a bag of chips and a mixed salad as a side.

Because her mother had been sick and Shawn’s out of town for work, Katy hadn't been able to give her any lunch money, all of it going towards groceries and cough medicine. Maya had forgotten to pack the granola bar and bag of carrots Katy had left out for her this morning and she’s bad at asking people for things, so she's been trying to ration the orange juice Riley gave her earlier, trying to make it last until the end of the day.

“Not really hungry,” she answers, but the loud rumbling in her stomach a moment after says otherwise.

No one notices though, all wrapped up in a conversation about the AP history exam coming up in the next week.

She's about to pick a tomato from Riley’s salad when she sees Lucas push his tray towards her. He only ate half of his sandwich, left the fruit cup untouched, his milk carton half empty. Maya shoots him a glare but he doesn't budge, only pushes it towards her some more.

“Please, eat it,” he says, his voice quiet. There's a shadow on his jaw, like he's been skipping out on shaving for a couple mornings and she's not sure how she feels about it. “I'm full, anyway. Donuts and chocolate milk at our varsity football meeting today.”

Maya stares at the food, mouth pinched at the corners, but she can't deny her hunger any longer. Her hands have started shaking. She picks up the sandwich and she sees the small uptick of his mouth. “I'll pay you back.”

He rolls his eyes then and this feels familiar. “It's just two bucks, don't even bother.”

She can't even imagine how flippant some people are allowed to be when it comes to money, but she clears her throat and mumbles, “Thanks.”

“You're welcome. I can only imagine how hard that must've been for you.”

There's an itch on her face and she realizes that it's because she wants to laugh, or something, at his teasing, like she would've before. But when she looks up at him, he's smiling a little. And she remembers that he's still sitting across from her and Zay is still sitting next to Riley and none of this is right.

So she looks back down, and doesn't meet his eyes again. But that doesn't feel right, either.


	4. iV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nvm guess yall are getting it sooner than i anticipated

“Who's ready for the Coney Island Cyclone, say aye!”

Maya rolls her eyes, but “aye”s anyway because it's Riley and she's excited and an excited Riley is a happy Riley. It's just the four of them – Maya, Riley, Farkle and Lucas. Riley hadn't wanted to let go of the Cyclone tradition just because she'd gotten older, so she decided to make a new tradition of going with her best friends instead. Cory had been fine with it – put off and a little insulted at first, but he warmed up to the idea eventually, so they've been going ever since middle school and Riley has shown no sign of stopping, which is fine if it gets her this happy.

“You gonna go on the ride this time, Maya?” Farkle teases, a crooked smile on his lips that she wants to wipe off.

“What, don’t tell me you’re scared?” Lucas asks, brows furrowed in amused curiosity. He hasn't been to the carnival with them since the first time they went as a group in the eighth grade because of family obligations, so he has no idea what had happened, and Maya had no intention of telling him, or anyone else for that matter.

But they keep pestering her about it so she sighs and says, “Okay – _okay_ , you guys are so fucking annoying.” Her body language speaks annoyance, all her weight resting on one leg, hands on hip. “When we came here, two years ago, I made the mistake of eating one too many hot dogs – “

“Seven. She ate seven,” Riley interjects.

Lucas gapes. “You ate _sev_ – “

“The logistics aren't important.” She quiets them with a heated glare. “But I'm guessing you can probably figure out what happened when I got on that ride of _terror."_

Lucas lets a smirk slip onto his face. “No, I can't actually. Why don't you tell me what happened?”

Maya didn't particularly enjoy the gleam in his eyes. “You're a toothache, Lucas, you hear me? A _toothache."_

“Go on. What happened once you got onto the Cyclone? Or the ride of terror, as you so charmingly called it.”

She rolls her eyes once again, folds her arms across her chest, and grumbles, “After the first loop, I threw up on Cory’s shoes, the leather ones he was stupid enough to wear to a carnival. They had to stop the entire ride to get everyone off, and now none of the Matthews will ever let me live it down.”

Lucas throws his head back and laughs, harder than he probably should have. “Amazing. One for the history books, I tell ya.”

Maya’s just about to fist the collar of his shirt to drag him closer to her but she remembers that she's not allowed to do that anymore, so she balls her hands into fists at her sides instead. "If you don't shut your goddamn mouth right now so help me _god_ – “

"Can you save your imminent death threats until after the fair, please? Today's supposed to be _fun,"_  Riley interrupts mildly as she grabs Farkle’s hand. "Lucas, do you mind keeping her company? It’ll only be for a few minutes; please don't kill each other while we're gone."

Lucas and Maya watch as they leave to stand in line for the Cyclone, and she's surprised that he hadn't so much as tried to object to staying behind with her.

He rolls back on the soles of his shoes then, hands stuffed into his pockets, a smirk still on his face. "So the big bad, epitome-of-rebellious-teen-angst Maya Hart is afraid of a little roller coaster?"

She glares at him. "No. Shut up."

"Really? Because it doesn't seem that way from up here."

"Well, that's probably because you're so tall that the increasing altitude messed with the air traveling to your brain."

He just rolls his eyes. "It’s okay to admit you're afraid, Maya."

"I'm not afraid. I just would rather have my lunch where it's supposed to be – digesting in my stomach inside of my body.”

This is the first time they're actually alone together, out in the daylight, with so much open air around them. It feels like too much, like she could take his hand in hers like Riley had taken Farkle’s and it wouldn't be weird or feel like some kind of a betrayal. But she knows better than that, so she keeps her hands to herself.

“Come on,” she says, a little gruffly. Riley had said they were only going to be gone for a few minutes, but once Riley goes on one ride, she'll want to go on all of them, so they have a lot of free time on their hands. “Let's con our way into some free stuff. Might as well have a little fun since we're stuck with each other.”

They play a few carnival games, Lucas acting as the distractor as Maya pulls some tricks out of her sleeves to win herself a couple of stuffed animals and a fishbowl that she passes off to some little girl that'd been trying for too long.  

“Do I wanna know where you learned to do that?” he asks after with a lift of his eyebrow.

She grins as she hugs Bonnie the Cow to her chest, drops him a wink. “If I tell you, I'd have to kill you.”

That pulls a smile from his face and it reminds her to take a step farther, to keep her distance without being too obvious about it. He tries to con himself a win a couple of times, but he isn't as good as she is, so he always gets caught. She wins him a stuffed horse at one point, one as big as her body, and he drags it around with him around the entire fairground.

“What's his name?” she asks as she chews off a piece of her cotton candy, licking the sugary stickiness from her fingers.

“Clyde.”

“Bonnie and Clyde,” she says with a laugh. “Cute.”

He steals some of her cotton candy when he thinks she's isn't looking so she puts some of it in his hair as payback. She only realized that she'd been genuinely having a good time with Lucas once they sit down at a bench, their toy animals occupying the seat next to them, and he ruins it.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks.

Maya looks over at him and frowns, suddenly reminded once again that she can't have this. Being here with him, having fun and sharing cotton candy, and laughing and laughing and laughing. He's not hers to have this with. “Okay.”

“You've been avoiding me,” he says.

“That's not a question. And maybe you should look up the definition of that word because how can I be avoiding you if we've been, unfortunately, hanging out together for the past hour.”

Lucas sighs. “You know what I mean, Maya. You haven't been – you haven't been there. My mom locked my bedroom window three weeks ago and I haven't had a reason to unlock it.”

He shouldn't have brought it up. That's not something they should be talking about right now, or ever. She'd been stupid thinking she could have him like that when he's still with Riley. 

“You're with Riley,” she tells him. “So be with Riley.”

“What does Riley have to do – “

Maya turns to face him, her knee accidentally bumping into his thigh. “You don't think it's weird that I've been coming to your room late at night almost every night for a month? What would Riley think about that? She'd think we were – that we were… _you know._ ”

He looks shocked that she would even suggest something like that. “But I would never – and you wouldn't either."

“I _know_ that. But people don't do that, Lucas.”

“We're friends, Maya, why is you coming over to my house so weird for you?”

“Because we're _not_ – we’re not _friends_ , Lucas. We were never friends.”

He looks like she's just sucker-punched him, the hurt in his eyes too much to bear so she glances away. She didn't think she'd said anything new.

“Then what are we?”

“I don't know,” she answers truthfully. “But we can't keep doing this.”

He groans, frustrated. “I don't even know what _this_ is.”

Riley’s laugh shocks her back into reality, and Maya looks up to see her and Farkle stumbling their way over to them. She has her arm looped around Farkle’s shoulders, hair wind-swept, and a smile that could rival the sun. They stop in front of them, and she knows that Riley immediately catches onto something. Maya hadn't thought she was being obvious, but maybe she should give her best friend a bit more credit.

“Everything okay?” she asks, sliding her arm off of Farkle, a frown on her face.

“Yeah,” she replies, jumping up from her seat next to Lucas to grip Riley’s hand in hers. “Everything's great. Lucas was just being an idiot, but what else is new.”

That's enough for Riley to take at face-value, her mouth automatically turning into a smile. She rolls her eyes at her boyfriend and he just shrugs in response.

“Come on, they're selling funnel cakes over there,” Maya offers, tugging on Riley’s hand and Farkle’s sleeve. Lucas walks behind them, both Bonnie and Clyde in his arms.

“Have you eaten anything else today?” Riley asks, a small smirk on her face. “Are you sure you'll be able to handle it?”

“It was _one time,_ ” Maya grumbles. “Let it _go_.”

“At least it isn't hot dogs,” Farkle contributes, casually throwing an arm around Maya. “We could all be grateful about that.”

“I literally can't stand any of you.”

***

Shawn’s sitting on their couch when she comes home from the last day of school before spring break starts, his ankles crossed on the coffee table as he reads a brochure with a cruise ship on the cover. Maya knows he and Katy are planning some kind of romantic getaway for the two of them for a couple of days since they've hardly had time to see each other what with both of them working so much, and she's going to miss them, but they deserve some time off.

“Hey, kiddo,” he greets and rests the brochure on his chest to smile at her.

Maya sets down her backpack on the floor, flops down on the couch beside him. “Hey, Shawn. Doing some light reading?”

“Mm. I was thinking we could take a cruise to Alaska, but your mother would hate it, so now I’m thinking Bahamas.”

"Good thinking,” she replies with a definitive nod. "She'd have a stroke if she had to deal with cold weather when it's not necessary. Oh, and also, don't forget to pack a lot of sunscreen and ear plugs. Don't ask."

Shawn grins and ruffles her hair. “Don't worry, kid. I promise I’ll take good care of her.”

“I know you will.”

“Anyway, how was school?” he asks as he picks the pamphlet up again, flipping the pages with furrowed eyebrows. “I feel like that's a good dad thing to ask, right? Learn anything new?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Of course not. Did you forget that Cory’s our teacher.”

“That's fair,” he says with a snort. “Don’t know how he managed to get the school board to let him teach you guys again.”

“Bribery.”

Shawn elbows Maya, and she responds with a grin. “You’d think he’d be a little smarter when his own daughter is like a fucking walking thesaurus.” He shakes his head, as if he’s amused by Cory’s tragic stupidity. “At least I’m always learning something new from her, right?”

“Oh yeah, and what's that? That if you sing to animals they'll help you with your dress and put bows in your hair?”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s next week’s lesson plan,” he snorts again. “She was studying for the PSAT’s, I think. Told me to tell you that she snuck a practice book in your bag when you weren’t looking.”

“So that’s why it was so heavy,” she mumbles to herself, and then shrugs, patting her backpack from the floor. “Never even open this damn thing. It could be filled with 10 pounds of cocaine and I would be none the wiser.”

He levels her with a unimpressed look. “This conversation doesn’t reach your mother’s ears, got it?”

Maya grins. “It’s like you don’t even know me, Hunter.”

Shawn shakes his head at her, trying his best to fight the smile from spreading. “Anyway, she told me to remind you that the word of the day is clay…wobble?” He scrunches up his face. “No. Collywobble? You heard of it?”

Maya squints. “Could you use it in a sentence, please?”

He laughs, somewhat awkward, and runs his fingers through his hair. "It's stupid. It’s like – when you see someone you love and you get butterflies in your stomach or something.” Shawn gives her a wry grin. _“I got collywobbles when Katy walked down the aisle on our wedding day._ That type of thing. Super cheesy."

"Are you sure it's not just cramps?" she asks after a beat. Maya thinks about the feeling she got when she held Lucas's hand. "Sounds like a disease."

"You know Riley," he responds with a shrug as he gets back to reading, reaching for his cup of tea. "Always gotta make everything romantic."

***

Maya starts noticing it over the break.

Riley spends all her time either with Maya or at home, markedly not with Lucas, like she would have assumed.

“Have you seen Lucas lately?” she asks Riley casually one day while they're at the bay window, drinking iced tea and watching Mrs. Higgenbottom from the next building set out fresh potted flowers on her window sill. They'd just gotten back from an art fair at the park near by, where Maya had showcased some of her work under Mrs. Kossal’s wishes. Maya had to explain to Farkle and Smackle the concept of symbolism in some of the pieces while Zay ran off with Riley to watch a special ballet performance. Lucas hadn’t been there.

Riley shrugs and pulls the shawl around her shoulders tighter around her. “Not really. We're both busy, I guess.”

She lifts both her eyebrows. “Really. That's gonna be the excuse you decide on.”

Her best friend sputters, a crease on your forehead. “What do you mean? Just because we're dating doesn't mean we have to spend _every waking hour_ with each other.”

Maya doesn't remember the last time Riley and Lucas spent time alone with each other outside of fifth period.

“Okay. Whatever you say.”

“Anyway. Let's talk about our itinerary.” She pulls up the notes app on her phone. “We have one week off from school, and a lot to do. Zay wants to throw a party at his place since we’ve never been. It’s Smackle’s birthday a week after break so I was thinking we do something before then. Maybe combine Zay’s party and Smackle’s birthday?”

Maya agrees to anything she's saying, obviously, but falters for a second when she asks if she wants to invite Josh.

“I don't know if he'll want to come,” she answers truthfully.

“He's my uncle; he'll come if I say so.”

The thought of having Josh over would have thrilled her before, would have brought her to her knees, little fantasies and dramatically impossible scenarios filling her head. But, now, she's not even sure if she wants him there, has come to realize that she’s developed a lack of object permanence towards him, only thinking about him when he’s right in front of her and forgetting him when he’s not. “If you want him there, it's fine with me.”

Riley eyes her for a few moments. “I’ll mention it to him. Let him decide.”

“Sounds good.” For a brief second, Maya gets the feeling that Riley’s frustrated at her passivity. But they move on, and they don’t talk about it. It's the one thing they've gotten really good at over the years.

She’s shopping for party supplies with Zay when the subject of Josh gets brought up again.

“I think you should break up with Josh,” he announces without preamble.

It takes her a little longer than appropriate to remember that she and Josh are technically still _a_ _thing_ that needs to be broken. “I'm sorry, _what_.”

Zay tosses in two bags of chips and party hats into the cart. “Yeah. I mean, I really don't see this ending well for either of you, and Lucas agrees – “

She stops walking abruptly, Zay bumping into her back with a grunt. “Wait a minute – you talked about me and Josh with _Lucas_?”

“Well, yes.” He says like it’s obvious. She doesn’t know what’s supposed to be obvious about her, or any of her relationships with anyone, these days. Doesn’t see how fair it is that everyone else seems to. “We both care about you, Maya. And I know I said that I was kind of on board with you two, I just. Don’t see how it’s good for you anymore. Or if it ever was.”

She doesn’t say anything. Just stares at the bottle of hot sauce on the top shelf that she and Zay are both too short to get.

“I mean…honestly, Maya, do you really see this going anywhere?”

Before, she would’ve said that they can be together, _really_ together, when she’s in college too. All he’d have to do is wait two more years. But by then, he’d be almost graduating and she’d just be starting off. It wouldn’t make sense. She’d only be holding him back.

Seems like she can’t answer that question either. Even though she knows what he wants her to say, what she _should_ say.

“Don’t know why everyone seems to think they have a say in my— _whatever_ , with Josh. It’s not your business or, for fuck’s sakes, _Lucas’s_ business, so drop it. Please. It’s exhausting.”

He holds up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, you win. Won’t talk about him anymore, swear on my momma’s grave. Scout’s Honor. Pinky promise. Etc.”

“Good.” She rolls her eyes, her hands tightening on the handle of the shopping cart. “We need queso. Let’s go.”

 

Josh shows up an hour before the party ends.

He’d told Riley he would come, so Maya had been on edge the whole time, waiting for him to walk in through the door, that she hadn’t been enjoying herself.

Lucas and Zay had set up the beer pong table as soon as everyone was there. Maya didn’t feel like playing, didn’t feel like antagonizing Lucas, which is what everyone expects out of her nowadays. So she sat with Charlie Gardner for most of the time, catching up on what he’s been up to since he transferred schools out of district. Every once in a while, though, her eyes would wander to the table in the dining area, where Lucas and Smackle played against Riley and Farkle. A sharpe ache in her chest surprised her when Lucas did a silly little victory dance after sinking a ball in the other team’s cups. Surprised at how much she’s missed him, missed just talking to him like they used to before this whole mess.

Charlie follows her gaze and snorts. “Nothing’s changed, huh?”

She shifts in her seat and tips back the beer bottle. “Unfortunately, everything has.”

“You know,” he starts, deliberate as he watches her, “I always thought it’d be you and him.”

Maya shakes her head. “The story was always going to end with him and Riley. I was just a plot device.” Harper would be so proud, she thinks, that she's using literary lingo colloquially. 

“No, _I_ was the plot device. You were just confused.”

She rolls her eyes, annoyed. “I wish everyone would just stop telling me that.”

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about your feelings for Lucas and how you let Riley treat you. You want everything good for Riley but you don’t allow yourself the same courtesy. So you played into this whole thing-“ he gestures vaguely at her –“that you never liked Lucas for her benefit. Maybe you even started to believe it yourself, for a while. But you’ve always been an honest person, Maya.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Charlie snorts again and shakes his head. The game is over and Lucas is grabbing a beer for himself from the cooler, and a Capri Sun for Riley. His smile is gentle, and heartbreaking. “Sure you don’t.”

Maya is just about to change the subject and ask Charlie to play a game of flip cup when Josh walks in three hours in. He struts like he owns the damn place, like he’s the king of their little corner of the world, and another version of Maya believed he was. He was charismatic that way.

He stops to greet a few of the seniors he’d known from before, accepts a drink from a girl with a neck tattoo, and for a split second she hopes he doesn’t see her. But he spots her on the couch and gives her a nod before striding over to her, flopping down next to her with his arm resting on the back over her head. He doesn’t kiss her cheek like he normally would, or give her hand a squeeze before letting go almost as quickly. If she’d been a little dumber she would’ve pinpointed that moment as the beginning of the end. But she knows they’ve been heading down here before they even began.

The thing she’s unfortunately just now noticing about Josh is that he loves to talk about himself. It’s spectacularly boring to have to listen to him wax poetic about how he’s taken on college by the reins, that he’s finally found a place and a group of people who make him feel like he belongs there. If she’s being honest with herself, she’s also a little bit jealous. That he gets to be who he is, and she gets to be who everyone else says she is.  

“I’m gonna—I’m just gonna go use the bathroom,” Maya interrupts his monologue on the importance of trying new things and expanding one's horizon, standing up so quickly she almost makes Josh spill his beer all over himself. She only feels a little bad about leaving Charlie alone.

Maya climbs up the stairs and wanders around the hallways, trying to remember the tour Zay gave them earlier and wishing she’d paid more attention. She’s idly thinking about asking Zay if she can move in with him, when the bathroom door opens and she’s fucking ambushed by déjà vu.

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this, huckleberry,” she greets.

He grins easily at her, a complete contrast to their previous meeting, and she chalks it up to the three beers and a couple of tequila shots he had earlier. “Maya, hey! Why does it feel like I’m seeing you for the first time in - whew - forever?”

“We haven’t exactly been good at being friends recently. Don’t tell me you forgot,” she answers with a sardonic half-smile, because she mostly feels it’s her fault that they are the way they are now.

“How could I?” he says and leans his shoulder against the wall as he faces her, trying but failing to catch her eye. “We can barely even look at each other.”

It strikes something sharp in her chest, even if she has already been aware of that honesty. It was different in middle school, because they were different. It was stupid to think otherwise, but they were friends first, before those weird inexplicable feelings got in the way, and now they don’t know how to get back to that. So she forces herself to look at him, because why can’t they have that again? There’s nothing stopping them, anymore.

And then, of course, she thinks of _I always thought it’d be you and him._

At one point, maybe she did too. But that’s long gone now, she reminds herself. He’s Riley’s still, she reminds herself. She never liked him, she reminds herself.

“Things changed,” is what she tells him.

He watches her with bloodshot eyes. “You think we can try? To be friends again? You remember the Coney Island fair—we had fun. We have fun together. Bonnie and Clyde, remember?”

That time right before high school, when he'd told her and Riley that he had just wanted to be friends, felt like a iron-fisted punch to the gut. It feels like that now - except somehow this time it's worse than she remembered. Maybe if she was a little smarter, she’d understand why.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course,” she says with a smile that hurts her cheeks a little. “There’s nothing between us now, so why not, right?”

“Right,” he answers with a grin. He's back to shaving regularly now, his cheeks smooth and flush from the alcohol, and maybe something else too. “Great. That's so good. I've missed you, you know."

She tilts her head. “You see me almost every day.” But she knows what he means.

“I know. But it’s been different.” Her heart rate picks up speed when he grabs her shoulders in excitement. Stupid heart. “And it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.”

Maya doesn’t tell him that it’s just been easier that way, for her, because she doesn’t want to think about what that would mean. So she sticks out her hand for him instead. “Friends?”

He takes it, his grip firm. It steadies her. “Friends.”


	5. v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Riley.” She sits up and wipes her eyes, takes a deep breath. “You’re the smart one, right? Tell me what it means. Tell me what love is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall im still here

Beings friends with Lucas again means lighthearted bickering with less of the hurt of remembering, means shoving at his shoulder when he picks on her, means showing him all the art she’s hidden away from him, means piggy-back rides inside the grocery store while Zay rolls his eyes in the way Zay does that actually means he loves what’s happening. Means catching up.

And that means having to spend more time with him.  Which means going over to his place in the day time, which means having to see him with Riley.

Lucas sits next to her during movie nights now, the rest of the group constantly annoyed by their dual commentary throughout the whole thing. They go bowling on the weekends sometimes, Maya dragging Zay along so she’s not third-wheeling. It doesn’t strike her until she’s at the concession stand getting fries with Lucas that they’ve paired off, except it’s not with who they originally came with. And it’s not supposed to be a big deal, because they’re friends now, and friends hang out, but she can’t stop herself from feeling like it is.

And she notices things, things like Riley and Lucas not holding hands, like Riley and Lucas not sharing looks when no one else is paying attention, like Riley and Lucas not sitting next to each other when it’s not either of their turns. She doesn’t _want_ to notice these things, because it wasn’t any of her business then and it’s none of her business now. But it’s become glaringly obvious that Riley and Lucas are not so good at being together.  

***

She has these fantasies sometimes.

In one, it’s MayaandLucas vs The World. Hand-in-hand, they win, obviously, because they’re the power couple of the world and nothing can tear them apart. They trail blaze across the country, fighting mobsters and double agents, with high heels and a gun strapped to her hip that’s visible due to the long slit up her thigh. She dips Huckleberry Bond low and kisses his mouth and he looks at her like she’s the sun personified and there’s nothing standing in their way, not even the millionaire Uncle Boing or the girl with the purple cat.

In another, she’s the new girl and he’s the one pining after her ever since they bumped into each other on a busy New York street. He’s the one chasing after her, and she only slows down when she’s at the edge of the city where no one can find them, and they fall together, and they fly together.

In her favorite one, they’re in her room, and it’s quiet. She’s leaning against the headboard sketching him while he’s on the floor with his back to the bed. He’s strumming his guitar and writing a song about her. And they’re just existing close to each other, and there’s no guilt, or regret, or heaviness in the way they look at each other.

She has to laugh at this one. How fucking unrealistic.

***

It's kind of ironic how it takes losing Josh to find herself again.  

It's no surprise how they ended, really. Before she could break it off with him, he tells her that there's something he needs to say. That he doesn't want to hurt her, that's the last thing he wants to do, given her past, but he _just can't_ keep doing this anymore. That he met someone else, in his intro to philosophy class, and that he thinks he really likes her. He uses words like “mature” and “intelligent” and “does her own laundry.”

But her favorite was: “She just _gets_ me, you know? You'll feel like that about someone, some day. You're young. You've got time.” Like he isn't only three years older, like he wasn’t the one to pick up the long game.

She doesn’t cry about it in front of him, not until she's sitting with Riley at the bay window a couple hours later and it hits her that – that the boy she'd thought she loved since she was thirteen left her for someone else, and she's not as sad as she thought she'd be about it. She really should've seen this coming.

“I don't understand what it means,” she says to Riley, “if I never really loved him.”

Riley offers possible suggestions: she just wanted attention, he was nice to her, it was her deep-rooted daddy issues speaking out. Or maybe it has something to do with how she'd said she's always wanted what Riley has. Maybe it's because of the fact that he was a Matthews.

Maybe it's because he wasn't Lucas.

She shuts that last thought down as soon as she thinks it.

“Riley.” She sits up and wipes her eyes, takes a deep breath. “You’re the smart one, right? Tell me what it means. Tell me what love is.”

She thinks about it before answering, playing with the ends of her hair, twirling it around her finger. She'd gotten highlights recently, because Lucas made an offhand comment about liking blonde hair one time. Maya misses her old hair. “I know that I love my parents, and that you love Katy and Shawn. I know that I love you, and you love me. Because we'd do anything for each other, right? Isn't that enough?”

“But I'm never—I'm never gonna have what my mom has or what—what you and Lucas have, am I?”

Riley laughs. “Oh, silly. Shawn and Lucas are both good guys. You don't like good guys, remember? You like the bad ones with the leather jackets and the motorcycles.”

“So, if I can't have the bad guy, and I can't have the good guy,” she says slowly, leaning back against the window, putting a little bit of distance between them, “what can I have?”

She watches as Riley presses her lips together.

“Am I just gonna be alone?”

“Of course not,” she says in haste, always ready to reassure her, “I just don't—I just don't know what – “

“Never mind,” Maya interrupts quickly, sliding open the window before stepping out into the fire escape. “I don't really care about that shit anyway. See you later.”

Maya ends up at the park she and Josh used to go to after leaving Riley’s. She'd thought the memories of them sitting on the bench by that oak tree would be soft and kind, but she doesn't feel anything. Not when she walks past the fountain or the spot where'd he kissed her or the field of flowers he'd said reminded him of her.

What does that even really mean anyway? What kind of bullshit has he said to her that she'd just blindly ate up because she thought he was a smart college boy, because he was good at observing people, because he liked her so much that he was willing to sacrifice a little bit of his time and his reputation just to hold her hand.

That's not romantic, and Maya realizes then that it's not what she wants. It has never been what she's wanted. It's just taken a long time for her to figure that out.

The Riley in her head is getting married again, in a big church with her entire family and all of her friends, and Lucas is there. He's the groom. Because Riley loves him, and she thinks he loves her too. And Maya can see herself standing next to them because Riley asked her to be the maid of honor and, unfortunately for her, she'd do anything for Riley.

She lets herself admit it, but only for a brief, fleeting second. That that's not what she wants either.

When she gets to Lucas’s that night, she lingers outside his window to watch him before going in. He's on the phone, probably with Riley, and he smiles a little but he doesn't say much.

He glances at the clock, sees that it's almost one and tells her that he has to go to bed now, it's late, and she does too. But when he hangs up, he lets his phone rest on his chest and stares at the ceiling, every once in a while glancing at the digital clock on his bedside table.

Maya swallows, suddenly very much wishing to go back home, because - he's been waiting for her. Every night. And a part of her probably knew this already, but seeing it first hand makes something like acid sit low in her belly.

So she flings open his window and jumps on his bed. He doesn't act surprised to see her. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“You weren't. Not a big deal.” But she can see the shadows under his eyes. He's just like Riley, and he's not used to staying up this late every night.

“I have news,” she tells him and stretches out on his bed, crossing her legs at the ankles. “Hold onto your spurs, cowboy.”

“I already know about the vandalism on school property. Writing your name at the corner isn't very inconspicuous, you know.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “It wasn't vandalism. They asked me to paint a mural on the art building for them. But I'm gonna need you to shut up because that's not the news I'm talking about.”

“Okay,” he says a little cautiously. “What is it then?”

“Josh broke up with me.”

Maya watches his reactions very carefully. It's unbridled surprise at first, eyes twinkling and glassy with a mix of joy and sleep-deprivation. But then his eyebrows furrow, the corners of his mouth pull down into a frown and he sits up, turns his whole body to face her. “Shit, Maya, are you okay?”

She shrugs. “Yeah. I'm fine.” Because she is.

He looks like he doesn't believe her at first, but when she gives him a smile he lets out a breath and he nods. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. I mean, it wasn't like we were ever  _official_ anyway. And we did our six weeks of hand-holding for the year already, so we didn't owe each other anything anymore,” she says, “And don't act so surprised. I know you and Zay talked about us behind my back.”

He blushes, a nice pink from his ears down to his chest, and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah – sorry about that. We just – I mean, Maya, you deserved _so much_ be – “

She stops him with a raised hand and shakes her head. “No, stop, you don't need to explain. It’d be great if we could just never talk about me and Josh ever again.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he mutters with a shake of his head. A beat, and then: “Beating him up isn’t off the table though, is it?”

Maya gives him a look.

“He’s older, but I’m stronger. Like a horse. Think about it.”

She does, for a second, and she’s mad that it sounds way too appealing. “Nah. He’s Riley’s blood. We’d still have to see him on holidays.”

“How hilarious would it be to see him walk through their door with a black eye and a crutch, though?” He nudges her side with his elbow. “You’re thinking about it, aren’t you? Come on, he deserves it. Anyone who breaks up with you deserves it.”

Maya has to smile. Even though she can touch him now, can greet him with a hug when they see each other in the halls because friends do that, she still has to be aware that their touches can’t mean too much. So she bumps his shoulder with hers instead of doing what she really wants to do, which is link her fingers in the spaces between his and lean her head on his shoulder. But she has to smile because, “You’re a good guy, Lucas.”

“That’s why you like me,” he says with a goofy grin.

“Yeah.” They’re friends now, but that doesn’t mean she’s invincible. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave a sharp ache in her chest when he’s so close but so unattainable. She was wrong before, on that ski lodge trip she doesn’t like to think about. She does want a nice guy. “That’s exactly why I like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should (hopefully) be up by tomorrow!


	6. vi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe finding a balance between who she was then and who she is now is exactly who she’s meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey omg anyone still here? i 100% swear i was going to update this like...a whole ass month ago but life kind of got a bit crazy so i just didn't have the time pleathe forgive me and thx for sticking with me yall have a patience unparalleled <3

She grabs his ear while he’s in the middle of a conversation with a teammate and, ignoring his cries of protest, leads them into an empty classroom.  

“Jesus, Maya, maybe I should wear full body protective gear around you,” Zay mutters, rubbing his ear.

“Grow up,” she says dismissively and leans against one of the desks. There’s a heart etched in pencil on the surface with a  _B + G_ _= 4EVER_ written inside it. She smudges it away with her finger. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay, and? Is it so top secret you had to mutilate my ear, drag my fragile and helpless body into an empty classroom and lock the goddamn door? This better be good.”

“Shut up. I think I like Lucas.”

He stares at her for a solid five seconds, and then doubles over laughing. He only straightens up when he sees her face. “Are you  _annoyed_?”

“I’ve been telling myself and everyone else that I didn’t like him, that it was a lie—“

“Which I never believed, by the way.”

She ignores him. “But now, surprise surprise, it’s not.  So yeah, I’m a little annoyed. I can’t even look at him without wanting to kiss his stupid face but he’s with Riley so, I don’t know, talk me out of it?”

“Talk you out of it? As if liking Lucas is just some stupid idea that you need to be convinced of otherwise?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“Interesting.” He strokes his chin as he looks at her. It makes her want to punch him in the face. “As we speak, I’m witnessing Maya Hart’s psychological development into her true self, which is inevitably forcing her to confront all of her repressed emotions from the past couple of years that’s recently surfaced after—“

“Swear to god, you’ve been hanging out with Smackle and Farkle way too damn much.”

“They’ve raised my IQ level by two points.”

“I’m thrilled.” She jumps off the desk and stalks over to him, fisting the front of Zay’s shirt because even though she isn’t that girl that everyone wants her to be from middle school, the one who dances on tables and spearheads the Homework Rebellion, there’s still a little part of her that is incapable of letting her go entirely. And maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe finding a balance between who she was then and who she is now is exactly who she’s meant to be. “Now tell me how to stop liking the goddamn cowboy, Einstein.”

“Hey, I’m still no genius,” he says and raises his hands up in surrender. “It’s a mystery to me how he’s got both you and Riley hung up, but you want my advice?”

She doesn’t answer, just raises her eyebrows at him. He pointedly glances at her fist and up until she gets the message and lets go. He smooths down his plaid shirt, the blue one that unfortunately reminds her of Lucas.

“You like him, you tell him,” he says with a shrug and Maya immediately regrets coming to him with this. “But you can’t make him decide because he’ll freeze. He’s not good with decisions, you know that. You just tell him how you feel, and it’s up to him to make the next move.”

“But Riley, I can’t do that to her—“

There’s a sad look in his eyes that she doesn’t recognize on him. “Maya, I’ve been watching this song and dance since middle school. If you tell him and he feels the same, then it wouldn’t make sense for him to still be with Riley. And if he doesn’t, if he really does love Riley, then you’re gonna have to learn to move on. But you can’t do that by hiding yourself again.”

She chews on her lower lip in a moment of vulnerability. “I know. And I didn’t do it because of him, you know. I didn’t lose myself over a boy.”

“I know you didn’t, Maya,” he tells her. “And that’s something you’re gonna have to talk to Riley about.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, with us,” she says after the silence stretches too thick. There’s movement in the halls, kids filing out of classes, bumping shoulders, slamming lockers. There’s Riley leaning against the door of her math class, her arm slung casually across Farkle’s shoulders. “It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Thunder and lightning and all that shit, you know? She was supposed to be the easiest thing in the world for me. A window I could open anytime and she’d be there and she’d understand.” She watches Riley throw her head back and laugh at whatever nonsense Farkle came up with that is in no way funny to anyone else in the world except Riley. “She was supposed to understand.”

“You need to talk to her, Maya,” is all he says as he opens the door for her. They’re going to be late for their next class. “Before it gets too hard to even look at her.”

Maya doesn’t, though, at least not right away. Because not talking candidly about their feelings is what they’re good at, especially when those feelings involve Lucas. And she doesn’t know how to bring up the  _I didn’t really turn into you_ thing without having to bring up the  _I still like Lucas_ thing. It’s fine for now, anyway, since she’s used to this, liking him quietly so Riley can have him to herself. Because Maya doesn’t deserve him but Riley does, Riley’s the best person she knows so it makes sense to her that she should be the one to have him. And if Lucas really felt something for Maya, he wouldn’t keep stringing Riley along because he’s a good person. That’s what she likes most about him. That’s what they both like most about him, actually, even if it’s in different ways.

So they don’t talk about it, and it feels like they’re stuck in middle school all over again. With Lucas and Riley still not knowing how to be together and Maya pretending that she’s fine with how things are. She still hangs out with Lucas, sometimes when Riley isn’t there, but Maya’s quieter with him when Riley is. Afraid that she’ll slip up, show too much, or say too much to give herself away. Admitting to herself that she likes Lucas as Maya, entirely separate from Riley, was hard and twice as confusing, but she’s gotten to the point where she wants to be her own person. Where she’s learning that it’s okay to want things for herself sometimes. That her reason for existence shouldn’t be shaped by Riley’s purple-stained hands.

Her timing really just kind of fucking sucks, though.

 

They’re all at her place, when she gets too close. Riley’s sitting on her bed, using her hands to talk about the prom the seniors in SGA are planning even though it’s still December, and how she’s going to make it better for their class when the time comes. Maya’s sitting opposite her, tilting her head as she listens, her mirror. Zay and Farkle are sitting by her window, talking about something completely irrelevant. Or rather, Farkle talking at Zay and Zay pretending to find it interesting. Smackle is sitting at her desk chair working on the homework they all came over to do, occasionally providing commentary without diverting attention. Lucas is sitting on the floor, back to her bed, playing with Ginger and not bothering to care about any of the current conversations taking place.

“I was thinking Gatsby themed,” Riley is saying, eyes lit with determination and excitement. “Cliché, I know, but it would be so much fun, don’t you guys think? Elegance, flapper dresses, feathered headbands, long smoke pipes—fake, of course—crystal chandeliers and everything black and white and gold gold gold. It’d be so romantic.”

“Or how about a haunted house,” Maya responds jokingly. “Murder, mystery, fake blood, mwah-ha-ha.”

Riley rolls her eyes. “Maya, if you’re not going to take this seriously—“

“Who says I’m not taking this seriously?”

“What do you think, Lucas?” Riley asks, craning her neck to look at him on the floor. He’s cooing at Ginger who’s trying to wriggle out of his grasp. “Gatsby or—” an exaggerated shiver “— _murder?"_

“But doesn’t Gatsby get murdered in the end?”

“You guys are horrible. Just so horrible, I don’t even know why I even try—“

“I, for one, love your idea, Riley,” Zay contributes from the chair by the window. “I’d look great in a tailcoat tuxedo and a walking stick.”

“Thank you, Zay, seems like you’re the only one in this room I can respect.”

Maya kicks Lucas’s arm. “Watch out, lover boy, this is all part of his long term plan to steal your woman.”

He just tuts and grabs her ankle before she can kick him again, but he doesn’t let go. He holds the back of her calf against him, laughing to himself when Ginger tries to nibble on the seam of her jeans. She wants to kick him away from her, ask him what the hell he’s doing, but her tongue is glued to the roof of her mouth, every sensory nerve focused on the spot his fingers are curling around her leg.

She’s kind of mad how he can be so casual about it, about touching her, when every time she does it feels like everyone can see how much it takes to maintain her brand of indifference.

They’re friends. Friends are friendly with each other. It doesn’t mean anything. Not to him, at least.

When she glances up at Riley, she’s also staring at the spot Lucas is touching. She tilts her head, eyebrows pulled to the middle, like she’s trying to figure something out but she can’t make sense of the algorithm yet.

Maya takes her leg back, hides it underneath her and tells Riley to continue with her idea.

She’s getting snacks for them later, leaning her elbows on the counter and watching the microwave timer count backwards _30…29…28_ when he appears beside her.

“Got any iced tea?” he asks. She never carried it before, her mother only stocking the fridge with water and energy drinks. But he’d started coming over more often, and he’s got an insatiable sweet tooth for peach tea, so she went out and bought a few boxes she stashes in the pantry for him.

She reaches up and opens the cabinet, pulling out a tea bag to toss it over to him. He catches it with one hand. “Just for you, schnookums.”

He grins and moves around in the kitchen to prepare it.

_23...22...21…_

She hears him shuffling around the candy pantry as he waits for the water to boil. A pack of chocolate chips hits the counter next to her and she can’t help but smile. Maya straightens up and sees him leaning against the counter, legs crossed at the ankles as he munches on a bag of pretzels.

She doesn’t think of how nice this is. That they can be comfortable like this, and how much she wants it to be true, to be more. Because they can only have it in a world where Riley doesn’t exist and that’s not the kind of world Maya would ever want to live in.  

How unfair it is, to like a boy so much like this. This kind of thing wasn’t supposed to happen to her. Riley’s the one that falls over her feet with romance, with love and sacrifice and white horses, and Maya’s the sidekick who watches on and roots for her. This is not supposed to be how the story goes; she is not the girl who falls for the same boy as her best friend.

Except that she is, and she has to deal with that.

“Ginger bit me,” he tells her and holds up his left hand. There’s a tiny ferret bite on his thumb.

“You probably deserved it,” she says.

He rolls his eyes, the corner of his mouth pulling up like he’d expected that response. “What did you do to traumatize this poor animal? Why is she so mean? ”

“I told you she was and you risked it anyway. That’s your own fault. Play with fire, you get burned, Ranger Rick.”

“Thank you so much for your sympathy.”

He’s been looking tired recently and against her better judgement Maya asked him about it one day. He’d told her Riley’s been making daily plans for them, dates and adventures catered to her liking and he goes along with it because it makes her happy, despite his complete lack of interest. Maya thinks it’s stupid that he doesn’t say anything about it to Riley, that he has to constantly keep up appearances around her, but then she remembers Riley had the same affect on her too.

Maybe they both have things they need to talk about with Riley.

“Boyfriend duty is hard work,” he’d said to her as he leaned his head back against her couch.

She’d just rolled her eyes and tossed him a bottle of aloe vera gel after he’d gotten burnt from a day of walking around a butterfly conservatory with Riley. “No one warned you, huh?”

The microwave beeps then, loud and invasive. She takes the popcorn bag out and pours it into a bowl as big as her kitchen sink, dumping about half of the bag of chocolate chips along with it. Lucas had looked at her funny the first movie night they had when he saw her do it, that time with peanut M&Ms, and she had just responded with: “Sweet and salty, Sundance. It’s basic science. Also super convenient for people who can’t choose between the two.”

She’d grinned cheekily at him, but he didn’t rise to the bait. “Why choose when you can have the best of both worlds?”

“So, sweet or salty?” she asks now, without looking at him because she knows it's unfair to bring it up, but maybe she's allowed to be selfish sometimes too. Her attention is seemingly focused on the popcorn in front of her, but she is hyper-aware of his presence next to her. “If it was the end of the world, both worlds, as we know it and you had to choose in order to save one.”

Maya only looks at him when he remains silent, sees that he’s watching her with that look in his eyes that reminds her of a Texas campfire and a billion stars in the sky. “I thought--I thought salty didn’t like me.”

She shrugs when she catches Riley open her bedroom door, skipping out of her room with a grin on her face because her timing is fucking impeccable. Maya turns away from him. “It’s just a question, Lucas. Don’t make it any deeper than it is.”

“Maya—“

“What’s taking you guys so long?” She bounces up next to them, throwing her arms around them both. “Maya, I have  _the_ perfect idea for what you should wear to prom. You too, Lucas! Think…apocalyptic sophistication...okay, just hear me out—“

There’s something completely unrestrained in the way Maya and Lucas are watching each other as Riley speaks, something that Riley misses entirely even though it's right in front of her. But that’s just the way it’s been, the way it is.

  
***

After a week of enduring Zay's incredibly unsubtle gaze and elbow nudges whenever Riley's in the vicinity, Maya finally tells Riley to meet up with her after school one day, at the bay window where it all started. It feels too heavy now, like everything’s that’s culminated in the past few years has decided to pile up between her shoulder blades at this exact moment.

“You were acting so weird at school today. Like...reserved. It was so unlike you,” Riley says and grabs her hand, so wonderfully naive and perceptive in equal measure. “I was worried. Zay said you have a lot on your mind?”

Maya closes her eyes briefly. “Yeah. I need to talk to you about something. Something important. A few things, actually.”

Riley grins. “Okay. That’s what we have this for, huh?” And she pats the bench of the bay window, and if Maya could, she’d pause this moment right now and pocket that naivety written on Riley’s face before she crushes it.

“I did it for you, you know,” she starts, folding her hands in her lap to give her a sense of stability. “I’m not trying to blame you, because I know you didn’t do it intentionally, but I did it for you and that’s what matters.”

Riley frowns now. “What are you talking about?”

“You didn’t understand me, Riley. You wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, so I did. You thought I became you, you convinced everyone that I became you, you convinced me that I became you. That my clothes and my good grades was just a manifestation of you—“

“Peaches, why are you bringing this up? You’re you again, that’s what matters. I brought you back and everything’s fine. Everything’s fine, isn’t it?”

“You’re still not getting it. Riles, you were wrong, and I need you to know that.” This is the hardest part for Maya. She’s always been the one to back Riley up, even when she knew she was wrong, it didn’t matter to Maya. The only thing that mattered to her was Riley, which meant that anything Riley says goes. That’s always how it’s been between them. But she has to be done with that now. “The me from before? That you wanted to change because she got good grades and behaved in class? There was nothing wrong with her, but you, and everyone else, made it seem like there was. I liked who I was, Riles, because I had you in my life and I was still me in the ways that mattered. And all of that stuff, it didn’t mean that I wanted to be you or that I was broken. It just meant that I was growing up, finding out who I am and who I want to be. Not who you wanted or needed me to be.”

“But you said—you  _agreed._  That you were protecting me, that’s what you _sa_ _id._ That you became me so that you could understand my feelings, remember? To make sure Lucas was good enough for me?”

“You couldn’t have honestly believed that, could you? Josh put that in my head, Riley.” She leans back against the window. “Jesus, he takes one intro to psych class and thinks he gets to psychoanalyze everyone? Fucking idiotic.”

“So you weren’t protecting me? You don’t care about my feelings?”

“You can’t possibly believe that either, can you? Everything I do is to protect you, and maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe the way you are is kind of my fault.” She pauses. “And, anyway, I think I just—I wanted that to be the reason so badly. I wanted to not like Lucas for you so badly that I kind of just—kind of just took what Josh said as justification because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Riley’s the one to put in the distance now. “Wait—what are you saying, Maya? Are you saying that you still like Lucas?”

She can either keep lying to herself and to everyone else, or she can tell the truth. But she’s gotten so good at lying that she doesn’t even know if she could say it even if she wanted to.

Riley’s gaze doesn’t waver and she remembers what she said last time they made Lucas decide between them. That it doesn’t matter which one he chose, because if it wasn’t the right one, it’d be the end of RileyandMaya. Maya would have never let that happen, even if Lucas had chosen Riley at that time, she would’ve been happy for her. But she knows Riley wouldn’t have done the same thing, which is why she kept pushing Riley and Lucas together, because she’d be able to deal with losing Lucas, eventually, but she doesn’t know what she would’ve done without Riley.  

“You have to be honest with me, Maya.” Her voice is soft, and some part of Maya wishes she could be angry. Yell at her, throw things at her, tell her to go home and never come back. Maybe all of this hurt would have been worth it if it meant that much to her. But her voice is soft. “Be honest. Do you still like Lucas?”

Her teeth ache from clamping her jaw shut so tightly. The confession is right there, it’s so obvious, like another three dimensional apparition sitting in between them, taunting and poking them. “I’m sorry,” she grits out, which is enough of a confession in itself.

Something in Riley breaks and Maya hates herself for putting that look there. “You’ve liked him all this time?”

She doesn’t want to admit it out loud so she just nods, once.  “Didn’t see that one coming, huh?”

Riley wipes the corner of her eye, draws in a shuddering breath and Maya prepares herself for the eruption. For the end of their friendship, for the _it’s been good knowin’ ya, peaches, but don’t let the door hit ya on the way out, k?_

“I didn’t mean to, okay, please believe me.” Because if this is their last conversation at the bay window, she’s going to make her case. “I tried so hard not to like him for you, I promise, Riley. I convinced myself I didn’t, and god I don’t even know why I do—he’s such an idiot. Such a goddamn moron. And it doesn’t matter, okay? I won’t tell him. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I promise, it doesn't...it doesn't have to mean anything."

She gives Maya a smile, one of those Riley smiles that means she’s trying so hard not to show the world her heartbreak. But the thing about Riley is that she’s carrying her heart on her sleeve, in her eyes, in her mouth. Every part of Riley is her heart, and there’s no way to hide that, because where else is she going to put all of it? All that terrible longing?

“It’s okay. Maya, it’s okay. I hear you. Feel what you need to, I can’t stop that.”

She doesn’t say anything else so Maya stands up, prepared to go home, possibly without a best friend. But Riley’s voice stops her when her hand reaches the window.

“I’m…sorry, too, Maya,” Riley says and Maya feels her shoulders loosen because that’s all she’s ever wanted to hear since this goddamn thing started. “I didn’t mean to make it seem like…like being you was somehow inferior, because you're so amazing, Maya, you have to know that. You can get good grades and wear new clothes and not be me. And you can like a nice boy and you deserve a nice boy like you back. Lucas is a nice boy. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out. I’m sorry you had to tell me. And it's not even...you've had to tell me twice now. I should’ve known. I'm sorry, I should've..."

She still feels a little bruised and battered up inside so she just gives Riley a smile. One of those Maya smiles that means that even though they’re kind of grown up now, she’s still Maya and Riley is still Riley so she’ll always forgive her, no matter what. Fortunately and unfortunately, that’s just the way they are with each other.

**Author's Note:**

> i have the next part written, i just have to edit it so if yall want it please don't be afraid to hold me accountable or else it will never see the light of day lmao


End file.
